Rule #1 - Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.
Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
Rule #2 - If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are awesome. Period.
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club.
Rule #3 - Family does not come first. The bike does.
Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”
Rule #4 - The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
Rule #5 - Know what to wear.
No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No spandex when riding the mountain bike.
Rule #6 - Shave your guns.
Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders.
Rule #7 - A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called a duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.
Rule #8 - Keep the rubber side down.
It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing.
Rule #9 - Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.
No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to win.
Rule #10 - Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
This pattern continues steadily until it falls sharply and suddenly.
Rule #11 - Descend like a Pro.
All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #10.
Rule #12 - The purpose of competing is to win.
End of discussion.
These rules were taken from Velominati.